Blabbering

Hello yellow marshmallow,

Today I don't feel like I want to write something for the 30 Hari Bercerita, but here I am showing up writing.

I spent the day at home doing home stuff. And every time I am just staying home and didn't talk to anyone (other than buy some stuff in warung), at the end of the day, I feel so tired. Just like today.. It is Sunday night and I am feeling tired after no social life for a day. 

I was once read a book Quite that pretty much explains about how introverted works. I do think they are really really powerful. They can just stay home doing home stuff and happy. That's a simple thing to feel happy. On the other side, me, need some kind of social interaction, every day. I need talking or being with others like me needing to eat and drink water, I need it to regulate my body and soul. Well.

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Oh, it is also a new year! The first week of 2024. How exciting! I like January. January always feels slow. We get rain here and there, so the weather is also nice.

I usually have end of the year reflection talks with my folks. Last year I didn't do it with my folks, but I did it my self. Only in my mind. I don't talk about it or write it on a blog post. I wanted to be that way this year, but I don't know I probably will change my mind and proceed to write it down.

2023 was a bit weird. I got many new friends and experiences. I went to cool and far places. I travel quite a lot! I feel steady. A lot of my days are predictable and mostly fun. 

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You know I did a lot of healing in the past years. Of course, me being me, every year evaluate how far this process has been helping me. I mean it has been really helpful, but can you really really sure?

And the easiest way to test that is by being in a close relationship - especially romantic relationship. And then you know which slice of life still triggers you and which part can turns you to a bitter version of your self. It actually a really good way to make a progress, I can heal continuously in a safe environment. 

I have been a person who put romantic relationship as a biggest value point in my life. That if I don't have it right as I wanted to, I feel like a failure. I talked to my good friend about it and also to my therapist (ofc!). It's ok if I want to put it as a big value to feel fulfilled, but what if I don't have it? Will I decide to be unhappy about life in general or will I take a different approach?

There are two options, it's either I need find the person I can be in a relationship with, or I can change my focus. Diny, does it really really has to be having a romantic relationship? Maybe not, maybe yes. I kind a want it but also it is just so much work, I don't really want it. So, it is confusing. I feel like I think too much about my self and wishing I can be thinking about anything else, probably thinking about saving the world instead. Like doing real stuff, instead of thinking about my complicated love life. 

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Ah, talking about the session with my shrink, I have been feel like I am all healing shit and then boom! I had a tiny test last year that felt so big and make me confused. I talked to my therapist. 

After the session, she asked me to come there more often. Wow that's new. Not annual visit anymore, but probably on the next three months. So that, she can help me navigate these whole situations. 

Since the first time I met her, she always said I can go whenever I need it. She never asked me to come. Only if I feel like I need it. And for the past two year, I only did annual talk with her (which she approved - annual check is a good plan). 

And then, after the last session last year…… she wanted me to come more often. Am I stepping backwards?? Am I trembling? Did I have been choosing the bad things for my self? ugh.

So apparently the trigger last year wasn't small at all then. I had plenty of related dreams as well. Well, I only had dream if I thought/felt too much about something, so maybe there was something. Ugh.

My therapist said I don't have to be panic, all I had was a new situation. For that, I didn't know what I wanted to do, and that's normal to don't know things. Well, she remind me some methods that was helpful for me. I actually did. And it took a couple months to really really know what I wanted to do with the new situation and what I really wanted. 

I mean, if I can wish about something this year is to be able to trust my own thought. I always need my therapist to confirmed or some how verified my steps. My therapist said I don't have to put her as a way of verification, I can trust me. I mean.. can I?? Sometimes I feel like I keep choosing bad stuff for my self, but probably that is not true. I've been good and doing great. I don't know. So maybe, a little more trust my own decision this year?

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I'm sorry I am just blabbering today. No travel stories and no plants stories. Can you text me and tell me you've read it?

I'll see you around.

Diny