Processing My Feelings During COVID19
February 21, 2021
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| A morning view from my room at the Emergency COVID Hospital in Jakarta |
I was sick for weeks. I had COVID19.
I don't really know where I caught it, because obviously contact tracing of COVID in Indonesia was so bad. I might caught it in public transport. I still use train and MRT for work or use Gojek to go to some places. Of course, I mostly maintained health protocols. But I wasn't always 100% careful. Sometimes I was reckless and in denial. I eat at some restaurants, I saw some of my friends and family, and I went grocery shopping.
For the past years, I rarely sick. So, when I had a fever, I thought about COVID right away. I had fever for 3 days. My body felt sore and dizzy. I took paracetamol to reduce the fever. I drink plenty of water to help my body hydrated. It works, the fever was gone on the 4th day.
I sleep a lot on the first days of COVID. I slept for at least an hour after I took medicine during the day. I woke up couple times at night. My body sweaty all the time. I remember one night I was shivering because my clothes were all wet due to my sweat.
The test
I took a PCR test on the 4th day, got the result the next day. It said I tested positive for COVID. Right away, I texted my coworkers, family, friends, told my neighbours, and updated the news through my social media. I was panic, confused, and sad. I called my VVIPs. I want them to stay calm even though it was hard to stay calm, but we were all trying.
People started sending me foods, medicine, and comforting words. I was a bit overwhelmed. It was interesting that a big part of my healing was learning to receive help without fear of being seen as a burden. Like hey it's okay people just wanna help, feel the love. Once again, I learned to ask for help and receive help.
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| A picture I sent to my family during COVID quarantined. |
The grief
Of course there was a grief when I knew I had COVID. At some point in the last 2 weeks, I didn't take care of my self. That is probably why I caught COVID. I had sleeping and eating problems in the last month. I didn't exercise much for the last 3-4 months. It was sad that I didn't take care of myself even though I'm in the middle of pandemic.
I also felt terrible and upset that I was sick. I was sick and I made my close circles worried about me. I don't like feeling like a burden. But then, I realised, they were worry and check on me because they care and they love me, not because I am a burden. I tried my best to do my part. I let them know what I know, keep them updated as much as I can. I also learned to let them do their part of taking care of me.
I felt angry. I kept asking, why me? Why I got COVID? I was mostly at home. I didn't go out of town. I've stoped doing almost all my sources of happiness. I didn't go to gym. I stoped swimming this year. I didn't go to the mall. I love meeting people but I've stopped meeting people. There are a lot of people out there didn't care about COVID, but they are still healthy. They didn't have COVID, so why me? I tried to sit to those feelings. I knew it was a phase of grieving and I need to feel those to overcome the phase.
I probably angry for 2 days. Then, the feelings changed into sadness and scared. I thought about scary stories of COVID. There are a lot of people who were fine and healthy, then died in a blink. What if I died? What if I make my family sad because I died, which is obviously they will be sad. Have I do what I wanted to do in life? Have I told people how much I love and care about them? Do I owe people something? You know, all of those thoughts. But then, I realised for the last year I've tried to be mindful to all of my relationships. I thought, even if I died, I will be rest in peace because I know, people that I love, knew that I love them. I have nothing to lose.
After sadness, I felt lonely. It was so weird. A lot of friends and family reached me out, sent gifts, and sent warm words. I surrounded by nurses and fellow COVID patients. But still, it was a lonely experience. And I never like loneliness. I never used to it. I think loneliness is like a deep hole. If I fell, it will be hard to go out of the hole. This one particular feeling, I didn't want to feel it.
I tried to find distractions. I called friends everyday and talked to everyone I met in the hospital. Until one day, a new friend, fellow COVID patient, told me he felt very lonely as well. And then I realised this loneliness is quite common for COVID patient. I suddenly feel like I am not alone in this. It might feels like I am alone at the hospital, but that wasn't true. My family and friends were still out there thinking about me. I gathered new friends at the hospital to fight COVID together, share stories, and support each other. I tried to believe, just like any other feelings, I can survive this, I can bear with it, and it will eventually pass.
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| Rainy days. |
Coming back stronger
I started feeling hopeful and energised when my body feels better. Probably on day-8 or 9. My chest pain, short breath, and nausea were gone. I felt healthier. I started enjoying my stay at the hospital. I talked to almost everyone I met in the elevator. I joined aerobics group. I did a karaoke night. I maintained connection with roommates. I tried whatever things I can think of to feel better, physically and mentally.
A quote, 'one day at a time', works for me. I am glad I am back feeling happy and healthy. My family is healthy as well. I know this is a huge bless. I can't thankful enough for their health and constant love.
COVID pandemic is still going on and may last for I don't know how long. There are a lot of things I cannot control out there and it is sucks. Life is very short. It can change drastically. Thus, I want to enjoy and savour what I have right now because everything is temporary. This health, body, family, friends, money, and all are temporary. I can lose it all in a second. But in the same time, those temporary things are also the beauty of life.
I wish you all for your happiness and health.
Love,
Diny
