What I learned from a 5 years of marriage

Disclaimer: I wrote it on August, 2019. I wrote it based on my experiences. Definitely, it won't be the same with your experiences and not applied to all marriage.

OK, let's now talk about the happy and the most important parts.

Firstly, the most important thing I learned was.. I was able to love unconditionally. I am happy I can identify it! Apparently, I could love my partner without IF, without reason. I just did. I loved him even when I hated him. I loved him without requirement. He didn't have to do certain thing to be loved by me. I loved him freely without hesitation. I was not only love the idea of him. I loved him as a whole package.

It was a great thing, to be able to love someone unconditionally. You have to be brave, like super duper brave because to love someone without certain condition means you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Maybe, I was able to do that because I know how it feels to be loved as a whole, from my family. I feel complete because I know exactly they will love me and accept me for whoever I am. So, it is easier for me to give the same kind of love to my partner or to other people that I care. I think not everyone has this privilege and able to do this to others. I am grateful I can do it and this is a cool thing for me.

Although, loving unconditionally is tricky. For me, loving unconditionally doesn't mean we don't need to make improvements in our life. Improvement here and there are still needed but even if he didn't or if he was on a really bad situation, I can still love him.

There is no greater feeling than love someone who loves you back. It is the biggest gift and if that person (who loves you) is your life partner, than it is even greater. I felt safe and sound. I am thankful for those moments in my life.

Secondly, little things are very important. Those socks that I left on the living room or wet towel on the chair, whooa! Those could be big big problems. Hahahaha! I was not a really tidy-neaty-cleany person at all. Before I got married, I didn't even know how to wipe the floor. Being married was learning to challenge my self to learned one of the most important thing in this whole world: clean up your mess.

It might sounds easy for some people, but it was hard for me. When I experienced it daily, I knew it can be a bomb ready to explode anytime. Especially, because my partner had different level of tidiness and cleanness. Now, I wasn't the same person as I was 5 years ago. I can clean my 'shit' now hahaha. Five years ago, I never thought I could be this clean, but I learned it in a hard way. Sometimes I thought I should have be faster to learned about it, but whatever. It was what it was, that's all I got. I am what I am now and current version of me is what I have right now, not the me version back then.

Thirdly, maintaining energy is crucial. I was working, he was working. We woke up early on weekday then went to work. When we were home, we both already tired and lack of energy. Those made us more sensitive. Sometimes I thought we present our best self at the office, not at home, which was not a great idea. In addition, me and him is a complete opposite, on everything, literally everything. It was somehow exhausting to keep up with each other, as we have very very different personalities.

With the right amount of energy, I might have more power to not take my partner for granted and not take myself for granted. Yes, I loved him unconditionally, but love is verb, is a daily work. It was a daily choice whether or not I would work on it. If I didn't have energy, it would be harder to see good things from the relationship.

Lastly, conflict is inevitable. Marriage is two different people in one big commitment. Expecting a no-conflict zone is dangerous. No matter how great my relationship was with him, we would always have conflicts. In marriage, the conflict can be about the same lil problem that repeated all the time, because we didn't solve the roots of the problems. Or, it could be a big one, that I never thought it could happen in a real life. I thought drama life is only happened on the television, silly me. Now, I have learned on languages of love, non-violent communication, compassion to others, how to be agree-to-disagree, that may be useful to manage conflicts, but well I don't know. There are a lot of things that I don't know and that is okay.

After 5 years of marriage, our relationship has grown differently than 10 years ago when we started dating. Of course there were plenty of ups and down. Whatever it was. I had a great time. I learned so many things from the marriage. I will cherished all of the great parts. Those are crucial for me and it will always be part of me. I am deeply thankful and grateful for the opportunities to learned and grown from this relationship.

To love is to be brave.

Thanks for reading! Have a great time with your love ones!


Diny