Things that keep me sane

journal

Things that keep me sane

December 21, 2018

Things will get better, and the sunshine will come again.

I can't believe it is almost the end of 2018.

This year has been a very hard year for me. I experienced rough moments that made me lose my way and lose my identity. At some point this year, I didn't even know who I am anymore. What I really want in this life, why I am here right now, where I want to go in the future. I just don't know.

However, thankfully, I managed to get better. I realized even though this year was hard, I have the best year to learn the most essential thing in my life: my self! I got hurt, I was broken, but I get up, stand strong, and survive.

So, I will write down things that keep me sane this year. Things that I learned in a hard way. I hope if I go through a tough phase again in the future, I could reread this post and know what should I do. Here they are..

1. Know and love my self better
It has always been easier for me to look at other people's strengths because basically, I like people. They are all good and kind and have some interesting part of their life. My friend said it was naive, as I only see the good thing and reject to see the negative part. In contrast, I didn't have the same perspective to myself. Sometimes I forget why I am a good person in general.
So, what keeps me sane? First thing first, I changed my viewpoint to my self. I focused on good things within my life, my attitude, my action, and my thought. I acknowledge the bad thing, but I keep in mind that I will work on it one by one and it is totally normal to have flaws or make mistakes. It makes us human. I learn to love my self better because it is the only way to keep me sane and moving on to be a better human.

2. Listen to cool music
I've never been a good music listener until this year. Well, even until now, I'm still kinda music illiterate. Haha. Nevertheless, this year I listen to music more than I used to be. I usually listen to acoustic, ballads, lo-fi, upbeat, or random song which have beautiful lyrics. So I can stop listening to all of the demons in my head. Those demons keep running on and on and on. I really really hated it. The music keeps my head busy and I could run away from those demons.

3. Writing my thoughts
In another time when music didn't help, I wrote down things that keep buzzing my head. I wrote down everything, even a tiny details. I wrote it in a book or sometimes on my phone. It feels so good to let out the negative thoughts from my mind. It feels great too to write positive minds for my self. When I had a better day, I will look back and reread things that I wrote. It does help to know if I am getting better or not. Somehow I could look at my own progress and see how things could get better over the time.

4. Talking to best friends
I am lucky enough to have best friends who are only a phone call away. Some of them live far away, some of them are around. Sometimes when I feel down, I texted them or call them. I remember one time, I had a terrible night. I knew I could get a major panic attack if I didn't do something. So, I called my best friend right away and talked to her for almost 1.5 hours. She keeps me alive. I didn't have a panic attack that night, which was great. The other day, I felt so down without knowing why. I let my best friend know then he took me home. We had a random weird talk, laughing together about silly stuff, and eating together. Then, voila! Things got better.

5. Talk nicely to my self
We tend to be harder for our own self. We criticized our self to some point where we will never do it to other people. I try to change it. I try to be there for my self. Encourage my self. Be a loving partner for my thought. I try to change "I can't handle this" into "You got it!", or "I can't keep up" into "I know it is hard for me but I am trying my best and work hard for it". Something like that.

6. Let my self felling a hard time
Sometimes when I had a mental breakdown phase, I just let my self feel everything. I think it helped me to let out all my emotions. I let it go by opening the door for it. I cried. I froze like a zombie. I didn't talk to everyone. I didn't do anything. I just feel what I feel like I want to do. After the phase passed, I suddenly get better! But, I prefer to avoid factors that could lead me into breakdowns then to experience breakdown itself. Mental breakdown is very weird and sucks! I don't like it at all.

7. Give my self-space from negative or judgmental people
There are certain people who will always point out the flaws in you. Whatever you say, whatever you do, they will know the bad side of your life. I try to love myself enough to let go this kind of people. I already have demons in my head, I don't need to add bad things to my self. Bye!

8. Get a sleeping routine
I work more effectively and efficiently during the day when the sunlight is still around. For me, night time is much harder than during the day. Then, I set my sleeping schedule. I always try to be in my bed around 9 pm and sleep around 10 pm. I woke up around 5 or 6 am in the morning. At least, I could get 7-8 hours of sleep per night. I read it somewhere, when we go through a hard phase, it is good to have a good night sleep. Also, I better sleep tight than having a mental breakdown! Hahaha.

9. Getting professional help
At the end of this year, I finally decided to seek professional help. It wasn't as easy as I thought tho. The clinic on campus was fully booked until the semester ends. The counselor outside campus either can't accept my health insurance or can't accept a new patient. So, even though I have a will to seek professional help, it is not as easy as it seems. In the end, I got an appointment with the counselor on campus and I felt much better after I talked to them.

***

Being at an unfortunate time in your life is not easy at all. And people take it differently. Some people may get hit harder than other people. It is totally okay to have a hard time and struggling with it. Feel it. Let yourself know how it feels like. Then, let yourself heal. You deserve to be better and get better. It may take time, but as long as you are trying, you are great!

I hope you are always healthy inside out, but if you are not, I hope you let yourself heal and get better.

Cheers to good things in life!

xoxo

Love your self

journal

Love your self

November 19, 2018

March, 2018

Since I was a little kid, I was well known as a clumsy child. Every time I borrow something from my parents, most likely it will be broken or missing.

I thought that phase was over after I got married. I started to make sure I wont lose my keys, try to clean up my own mess, and get things done. I felt like at some point I became a better person who never loses house keys and can take care of my stuff.

Apparently, that is only the fake Diny. I am still clumsy Diny who easily to broke things. Everything is just another failure. I am a mess.

My friend said this phase will pass. I will be OK. I am doing great. Sooner or later everything will be better.

---

November, 2018

Wow wow wow, that was tough. How broken you were, lady. But hey, you're still here stand strong. Yes, you will be okay darling. You're as strong as you are. Now you grow older and hopefully wiser, you can handle all of your problems. Even if you're not, your family and friends will always be there for you. Always.

If you make a decision that you think will be best for you and your condition, don't feel bad about it. It is you that is important in your life. Think about your feeling first, before you think about someone else's feeling. Nobody can save yourself accept you. From now and then, learn to count on your self. You should be there for yourself. Even if anybody else says they could be there for you, but you need you, not them. Don't run from yourself. Love yourself better, before you love somebody else.

You got this!

Hello again!

journal

Hello again!

November 18, 2018

Taking some data from experimental forest.

Today, me, my friends, and my adviser went to an experimental forest near campus. We took canopy cover data for my friend's research. I brought my camera and took a couple of pictures. Then, my adviser asked me if other Indonesian girls also have a blog. He also told my friends to read my blog, said that my blog is cool and have many beautiful pictures. He is so nice to say those things. I took some time for me to think and answered him.

Well, what he said was not exactly correct. I only wrote once or twice last year. As I grow older, I am not brave enough to write. I was scared people will judge me or think that I am too drama or overshared things or not write things beautifully. Maybe it is all true. Maybe it is not. Then, I remember those times when I just write all my thoughts without having anxiety, without thinking about what other people think. Who will read my blogs anyway, common Diny. Hahaha.

So here I am, coming back to my blog. I am writing in terrible English. I learned how to think in English now, so hopefully writing in English will gradually improve my writings. It felt so good to realize that at least I am getting better to face my own insecurities (and write things in English). The only thing that is important is me, learning to be better in everything that I could and not think about what other people think. Just try to enjoy what I love to do.

It is worth a try. So we'll see!

27 Tahun

birthday - journal

27 Tahun

April 09, 2018

Ulang tahun di Flagstaff, Arizona, US. (Photo by Shafia)

Dua puluh tujuh tahun bukan waktu yang sebentar untuk belajar menjadi manusia. Waktu yang cukup untuk menjadi dewasa dan bertanggung jawab. Apakah saya sudah menjadi manusia yang cukup baik di umur 27 ini? Entahlah.

Orang bilang dua puluh tujuh tahun itu umur yang menyeramkan. Banyak orang-orang terkenal yang meninggal di umur ini. The 27 Club katanya. Kebanyakan karena over dosis atau bunuh diri. Serem ya.

Di umur 27, harusnya saya sudah cukup dewasa untuk mengambil keputusan dan bertanggung jawab atas apapun yang mau saya lakukan dalam kehidupan. Entah sudah siap dan bisa atau belum.

Tahun lalu di umur 26 sangat banyak hal besar yang terjadi dalam kehidupan saya.

Saya akhirnya mendapat beasiswa kuliah pasca-sarjana. Tinggal jauh dari keluarga. Menjalani mimpi yang selama ini hanya berada di angan-angan. Tinggal jauh dari zona nyaman yang tentu merubah segalanya.

Untuk pertama kalinya dalam hidup, saya belajar menggantungkan hidup pada diri sendiri. Sebagai anak super manja di rumah, tentu ini bukan halnya mudah buat saya. Saya banyak melihat dan belajar dari perempuan-perempuan tangguh di sini. Ternyata, hanya karena kamu perempuan, bukan berarti kamu bisa manja. Ternyata, hidup dengan diri sendiri tanpa bergantung pada orang lain itu bisa dilakukan.

Di tahun ini pula, untuk pertama kalinya saya patah hati. Patah sepatah-patahnya. Untuk pertama kalinya saya tidak percaya cinta. It's all bullshit, too painful, and pointless. Love is over-rated. 

Oleh karena itu, saya juga belajar kalau ternyata kita ini harus cukup dengan diri sendiri. Selama ini saya terlalu emotionally needy yang butuh orang lain atau seseorang untuk merasa cukup. Dan ketika betapapun yang sudah dilakukan ternyata belum cukup, rasanya sedih sekali. Saya harusnya cukup tanpa butuh pengakuan dari orang lain. Cukup dengan diri sendiri. Tapi itu gimana sih ya caranya. Saya juga ga tau. Harus belajar. Dan saya rasa menjadi cukup dengan diri sendiri itu butuh waktu. Ngga bisa tiba-tiba siap aja gitu. Sabar.

Makanya, di umur 27, saya mau melatih diri saya sendiri untuk lebih tangguh dalam bergantung pada diri sendiri. Saya mau bisa cukup sama diri sendiri, hidup dengan diri sendiri, bisa menyetir, bisa berenang, solo traveling, dan belajar bertanggung jawab.

Saya yakin, setiap orang punya prosesnya masing-masing. Kita ngga berhak untuk menghakimi proses orang lain. Kita juga ngga berhak menghakimi diri sendiri hanya karena punya proses berbeda dengan orang lain. Sibuklah sama proses diri sendiri. Menjadi orang yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya.

***

Selamat ulang tahun ke 27, Diny. People change, things go wrong, shit happend, but life goes on. Terima kasih sudah menjadi kamu. 

Young Dumb & Broke

journal

Young Dumb & Broke

March 15, 2018

Senja di Flagstaff

Suatu sore beberapa hari yang lalu, saya jalan-jalan ke danau dekat rumah. Teman saya memancing, saya nontonin awan-awan, bebek, dan pohon yang melambai-lambai. Sepanjang sore itu, lagu Young Dumb Broke -nya Khalid selalu diputar berkali-kali. Sampai nempel di kepala dan bikin saya muak.

Lalu tadi sore, saya jalan sendirian menuju halte bus. Lagu itu tiba-tiba kembali melintas di pikiran saya. Saya jadi kepikiran, enak juga ya waktu masanya young, dumb, and broke. Masih muda, walau ngga punya uang tapi bisa senang-senang menikmati hidup. Bebas berekspresi tanpa pretensi. Hidup pada momennya. Betapa pun jahatnya hidup, selalu ada cinta yang akan diberikan.

I can not give you everything, you know I wish I could
I'm so high at the moment
I'm so caught up in this
Yeah, we're just young, dumb and broke
But we still got love to give

Yaa.. Itu lagu cocoknya untuk anak-anak remaja, bukan lagi untuk perempuan muda hampir 30 tahunan kayak saya ini. Kalau udah seumur saya ini harusnya udah mikirin yang riil ya. Tabungan, cicilan rumah, biaya kehidupan buat enam bulan ke depan, investasi ini itu, dan segala macam hal-hal yang harusnya dipikirkan orang dewasa.

Namun, di sinilah saya, masih berasa young, dumb, broke high school kids.

Bukannya tegar dan kuat layaknya orang dewasa menjalani hidup, malah dikit-dikit menangis atau mengeluh kalau ada kesulitan atau kendala. Terlalu bodoh untuk menyelesaikan masalah-masalah orang dewasa yang tak ada habisnya. Bukannya menabung untuk kehidupan masa depan, malah keseringan main sama teman-teman atau makan di restoran enak. Young dumb broke high school kids.

Gimana rasanya sih jadi orang dewasa?

Segalanya logistik dihitung, tapi hati kosong. Apa enaknya hidup tanpa penuh rasa. Segalanya dihitung, diukur, direncanakan, tanpa memberikan ruang untuk bersenang-senang. Tidak ada spontanitas dan keluwesan saat jalankan hidup. Apa enaknya hidup penuh perhitungan, lalu marah ketika kenyataan tak sejalan dengan harapan?

Barangkali ini fase dimana saya sadar bahwa saya masih menyangkal kalau sudah saatnya menjadi dewasa. Di umur segini, masih mau senang-senang aja. Orang bilang, telat ah. Udah tua masih bocah. Tapi rasanya lelah sekali ya kalau harus hidup dengan standar orang lain hanya untuk membuat orang lain senang. Ketika semua dijalankan dengan apa adanya diri tanpa harus pretensi, kok jadi luwes sekali ya hidup. Yaa, mungkin proses kedewasaan setiap orang itu berbeda-beda dan ngga bisa dipaksakan. Ya ngga sih?

Ngga tau ah.. Pusing mikirin hidup, mari kita dansa!